When I was younger, I used to watch these dramas – those cliché ones where there’s always a sadistic male protagonist who magically becomes soft once he meets the female protagonist, and his whole attitude just changes. The girl was always this pretty, bubbly, and super kind female protagonist with a complex background story that has transformed her into who she is – strong, optimistic, and resilient. This led me to assume that this was what attracted boys and I wanted to be like that. So I did.
Well, I did. Sort of unconsciously. And it actually worked. Once I started acting similar to the girls in the dramas, boys started talking to me more because I was bright and hilarious. I had this illuminating energy. I started to believe more and more that I was this kind of person, who lived in a world full of rainbows and unicorns.
However, as I grew up, things started to suck a lot. I became bitter, cynical, hateful, and depressed. Although, I did manage to keep my sense of humor at top notch and still had my sweet moments, but geez! I was satan.
I guess this is what growing up does to you. I’m amazed at those who still manage to stay sane and positive. Not that kind of positive where you know you have the power and agency to change your life but the consistent mentality to keep being optimistic during adversity. I am envious! I am envious of these people who are able to live their life with eternal positivity without going insane while I am here wallowing and cuddling with my demons and woes, praying for better days!
But at least Charles Bukowski sympathizes with me when he once said, “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
Well, anything to help me sleep at night. Am I right?